Haven't Felt Like Blogging

Hey....I'm back to the world of blogs....as you may have noticed I haven't blogged of late. It isn't because I can't think of anything to write (because I have plenty - let me tell you) but more to do with putting in a lot of hours at work and just not feeling like blogging....

Early mornings and late nights get to me after a while and its like my whole body just wants to shut down...don't want to see anyone...don't want to talk to anyone...(except my family) just want to go to bed and curl up with a book, mal and my girls...

In the last week we have had 4 farewells in our department and only one of their postions have been replaced (they will not be replacing the other 3)...hence the early mornings due to the heavy workload. If you don't keep up with the workload you will be viewed as incompetent regardless of the circumstances...

By Thursday I was called into the Operation Managers (Ned) office with my Manager to discuss my current position. The previous week I had put my name down for another position in another department - mainly to upskill - it would have been a step sideward in regards to advancing my career however I wanted a bit of release from the pressure that was building from the heavy workload and I also wanted to be able to walk away from the office each night and leave the work there.

He was devastated that I wanted to leave but I said "no offence" just to upskill. He asked me what my ideal position would be and what I really wanted to do and what the key areas I enjoy working in. I spent some time explaining my role and my position and what I enjoyed and what I didn't enjoy.

He then went on to say that I would be a loss and they couldn't afford me to go at the moment and what could he do to make me stay - he was aware of my need for an increase in pay but this was not my main reason for moving on. He said he knew he was being selfish by forcing this upon me...my manager sitting beside me knowing full well what I really felt "said nothing" (thanks for the support bud). He said take it as a compliment that we want you to stay...I laughed at this remark.

I said "apart from my manager taking me out to lunch while she was away on a 2 week break - to thank me for filling in her shoes - that is the first time someone has said thank you in the whole 18 mths of me working here and the fact that they appreciate my hardwork - once I said, and now you are sitting here telling me that I am an asset and that you don't want to lose me and I should take that as a compliment...the eyes starting tearing up (oh no not now - be strong, be strong- don't cry don't cry) a few tears popped out and he handed me a tissue (meanwhile my bud is still saying nothing...). I said I have never felt more underappreciated and undervalued in my whole entire life"

Ned looked like I had just slapped him and he was absolutely horrified that I felt this way. I said "the reason I make such a big thing of farewells and birthdays and any special occassions or people being rewarded is because I want them to feel special. I want them to feel valued and loved and appreciated - not because I want people to do that for me (although that would be nice) but because this is "who I am" I am a giver, a hardworker an encourager and a motivator. I have been brought up on strong values and I like to treat people as I would like to be treated.

I have no idea why the conversation turned like this and I was able to keep the emotion out of my voice but the only response was silence....thinking....more silence....Ned said he was sorry that I felt this way...we've had many discussions before on touching the human heart by encouraging the staff and sowing value and believing in people - I think our discussions had finally hit home with him...

We had been in his office for over an hour (my lunch break of course just gone down the tubes) and regardless of how I felt in the end he needed me to make a decision (because it was business as usual) to stay or take on the other position. He said that they could look at redefining my role, take away some of the admin and give me some special projects, and look at my pay - but this would take a while, in the meantime they needed to fill the other role quickly and I needed to make a decision (I thought I had already done that by applying for the other position). My manager then somehow manages to find her voice (note the sarcasm..) and says that if I decide to stay that I might not like the decision they come back with."

Ned goes "you could take on the new role and in the meantime we come back with the position that you are really looking for - but too late". Great - talk about feeling total pressure...So I said "so if I don't take on the new role but you come back with something re my current role that I might not like - but too bad the other role has been taken..." he goes "thats about it" he then goes "whats your gut feeling" after just being bombared by guilt, having the needs highlighted in my department and that I would be a huge loss if I left...I said I would think about it overnight and let them know Friday.

Friday turned into a day from hell....and the opportunity never came about to discuss with them my answer - in a way I was glad because I hadn't had time to fully process what was happening. At the end of the day - its just a job and it doesn't rule my life. I have family, friends and my church that are my life - these are things that refresh me, vitalise me and encourage me. At the same time I have to help with making a living so there is no point in just being a blob at work - I like to be challenged and to improve myself.

After much thought and with Mal just listening, I have prayed, read two novels, spent time with my family and had some retail therapy I have come to a decision..... to be continued...